Everything under 1 post!

Desi Broken English Dialogues
"There is no wind in the ball (deflated football)"
"Look at the line on your back" (falling in line)
"Apply Apply, No reply" (common one)
"Why aren't you kneel downing?"
If you talk, I'll kneel down (Always wished he would, but found out that, that's not what he meant)
Cuckoo, Blaady (Kick you, bloody...)
Meet me behind the class (meant after the class).
I talk, he talk; Why do you beech beech talk? (beech, beech = middle, middle)
Maro saale ko: Hit the brother in law.
It's so hot! Please on the fan no.
"Don't talk like that in front of my back"
Pune'ites, and Bombay'ites will understand this - "This is not 'parvadable'"!!!
Did you cut the tickets for the film, yet?
Who took out the breeze of my cykill.
He/she's my co-brother/sister!


English Translated in Hindi
How wud sum common english sayings translate in hindi???

Have a nice day! ----- * Achcha din lo!

What's up? ----- *Uppar kya hai?

Yo, baby! What's up? -----* Beti Yo, uppar kya hai?

Cool man! -----* Thandaa aadmi!

She's so fine! ----- * Woh itnee baareek hai!

Listen buddy, that chick's mine, okay!? ----- * Suno dost, woh chooza mera hai, theek?

Hey good looking; what's cooking? ----* Arrey sundarta ki devi; kya pakaa rahee ho?

Are you nuts? ----- * Kya aap akhrot hain?

Son of a gun. ----- * Bachcha bandook ka.

Rock the party. ---- * Party mein patthar pheko.

Lets hang out! ----- * Chalo bahar latakte hain !

Top 11 Reasons To Come To Work Naked
11. No one ever steals your chair.

10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

09. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

08. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

07. So that, with a little help, you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

06. You want to see if it's like the dream.

05. To stop those creepy guys in Finance from looking down your blouse.

04. You can finally say : "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

03. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.

02. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

And the number one reason to Go To Work Naked . . . ..

01. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

Bihar Driving License…
================================================================
DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM
—————————————— ———————–

NOTE: Please do not soot the person at the applikason kounter.
He will give you the licen.
For phurthar instructions, see bottom applikason.

1. Last name:

(_) Yadav (_) Sinha (_) Pandey (_) Misra (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)

2. First name:

(_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)

3. Age:

(_) Less than phipty (_) Greater than phipty (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)

4. Sex: ____ M _____ P(F) _____ not sure _____not applicable

5. Chappal Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right

6.Occupason:

(_) Politison (_) Doodhwala (_) Pehelwaan (_) House wife (_) Un-employed

(Check karet box)

7. Number of children libing in the household: ___

8. Number that are yours: ___

9. Mather name: _______________________

10. Phather Name: ____________________ (If not no,leave blank)

11. Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

12. Dental rekard:

(_) Ellow (_) Berownis! h-ellow (_) Berown (_) Belack (_) Other -__________ Give egjhakt color

(Check karet box)

13.Your thumb imparesson :
____________________________

(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, please do not copy thumb impression also. Please
provide your own thumb impression.)

PELEASE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS

Use thumb on y our lepht hand only. If you dont have le pht hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on lepht hand.

NOTE: IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE.

WE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THIS

BIHAR RTO

Dear Sir,

If small small mistakes getting inside my letter, I big you pardon, ass I am not a good englis speaker.

This is my fist vijit to Bombai. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the following reajon, took much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment. I tolded I has headache problem due to migration. Still the cleark rejected to give ticket to I and my sun. I putted a complain on station masterji. He said I to go to the lady clerk.

At first she also rejectd. I then pressed for long time and finally with great difficulty she gave a birth to my sun. Anyway I thanked the station master also because he was phully responsible for getting birth of my sun.

Ass a hole it was a bhery diphicult experiment in my hole life.

I hope you will look into explain my hole story after, and late me joint first. I am now ending this fastly. I am a waiter for your responsement.

May God blast you!

Yours awfully,
Jaggu Bhai

Ways To Tell A Man His Fly Is Unzipped

20. The cucumber has left the salad.

19. I can see the gun of Navarone.

18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17. You've got Windows on your laptop.

16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

1. Men are From Mars, I Can See Your Penis

Funny Leave Letters!
These are some of the leave letters written by various office personnel.

1. An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. please sanction me one week leave...

2. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
Since I have to go to the cremation ground and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave.

3. A friend of mine had written a leave letter to the headmaster:
As I am studying in this school I am suffering from head-ache. I request you to leave me today

4. A family friend of our`s told an incident of his friend`s letter I am suffering from fever, please declare holiday to the school.

5. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.

6. Another leave letter written to Administration dept:
As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave.
Submitted by Moongerilal Wagle, Bangalore

Office Inspiration
Top 10 sayings we'd like to see on those office inspirational posters:

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Submitted by Boss's Tail, Hyderabad

Employeement Difficulty
Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.
Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it.
He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off. So, he sat in his office and watched them work.
Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with.
Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, 'Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off.'
And Sarah says, 'Can you jack off? I have a headache!'

RESTROOM SIGNS

Friends don't let friends
take home ugly men
Women's restroom at
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC

If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC

Fighting for peace is like
screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO

No matter how good she looks,
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her shit.
Men's Room at
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC

At the feast of ego
everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ

It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg, AZ

Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New Yor k , New York .

If pro is opposite of con,then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
Men's restroom House of Representatives,
Washington , DC

Express Lane:
Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ

You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills ,CA

No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills ,CA

~~~ and perhaps the most realistic one ~~~
A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX

Twenty Great One Liners [Funny]
1. Regular naps prevent old age… especially if you take them while driving.

2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

5. A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after you’ve purchased new school uniforms.

6. Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

7. Don’t marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without… but whatever you do, you’ll regret it later.

8. You can’t buy love . . but you pay heavily for it.

9. True friends stab you in the front.

10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

14. Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

16. It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.

20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

Relationship Between Office & Bollywood Films
Pentium IV and Pentium III : Bade Miyan Chhote Miyan.

For an Employee who signs a Bond : Bandhan.

For an Employee who works Sincerely : Dil Se.

For an Employee who is ready to leave his Job : Doli Saja Ke Rakhna.

A Project having two Project Leader : Ek Phool Do Mali.

An Employee without Accommodation : Pardesi Babu.

Super User Password : Gupt.

An Employee who is in Company for more than Three Years : Amar Prem.

Bill Gates : Hum Se Badhkar Kaun.

An Employee on Probation : Paying Guest.

Ctrl + Alt + Del : Aakhri Raasta.

An Employee who frequently changes the Company : Chalti Ka Naam Gaadi.

Backup : Jagte Raho.

Dos & Windows : Do Raaste.

Internet : Door Gagan Ki Chhav Mein.

Opertator v/s Compter - Main Khiladi Tu Anadi.

Windows 2000 : Bade Dilwala.

Server : Godfather.

Interview : Muquabla.

A System infected by Virus : Pyar To Hona Hi Tha.

Anti Virus Kit : Soldier.

System without RAM : Kora Kagaz.

A System which frequently requires Bootable Disk : Sharabi.

What Job Ads Really Mean
“Competitive Salary”
We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.

“Join our fast-paced company”
We have no time to train you.

“Casual work atmosphere”
We don’t pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

“Some overtime required”
Some every night and some every weekend.

“Duties will vary”
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“Must have an eye for detail”
We have no quality assurance.

“Career-minded”
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

“Apply in person”
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told that the position has been filled.

“Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience”
You’ll need it to replace the three people who just quit.

“Problem-solving skills a must”
You’re walking into perpetual chaos.

“Requires team leadership skills”
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

“Good communication skills”
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN ON THE COMPUTER TOO LONG WHEN ...
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer.
The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
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The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
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This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
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Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
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Wrong Answer. .
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe put in the elephant and close the door.
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This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend ... except one. Which animal does not attend?
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Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.

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This tests your memory. Okay even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat How do you manage it?
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Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
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This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

What do you call?
A smart Malayalee? - Debo-nair
A dynamic Malayalee? - Pheno-Menon
A Malayalee drunkard? - Kutty Sark
A very rich Malayalee? - MillionIyer

Hows, Whys, Whats......


* Why was the Marxist leader dumbstruck on arrival at US airport? (Contributed by Naveen)
Boy, who said Communism is not prevalentt in this part of the world, there is Arri-val everywhere.

* What processor does a Mallu have in his PC? (contributed by MH Bhargava)
A Pendium

* What does a Mallu do to run for elections in Hongkong? (contributed by Ganesh S)
Change his name from Thankachan to Than Ka Chan.

* What does a Mallu do to run for elections in England? (contributed by Ganesh S)
Change his name from Vaideswaran to Vaiddes Waran.

* What will a mallu reply when asked "Are there any mosquitoes in your house? (Contributed by MH Bhargava)
Plendy

* Why did the Malayalee crossed the road?
Simbly.

* How does a malayalee spell the word 'MOON' ?
Yem wo yettanudherwo yen-uh!

* Why do they require 5 people for a Malayalee funeral?
Four to carry the coffin, one to carry tthe two-in-one.

* How does a Malayalee travel in Chembur?
BY ODO

* Where did the malayalee study?
In the kollage.


What did the Malayalee do when the plane caught fire?
- He JEMBED out of the VINDOW...
Why did he go to Rome?
- To hear POPE music..
Why did the Malayalee cross the road?
- To join the union on the other side.
What does a Malayalee do when he has to stand for election in Delhi?
- He changes his name. Madhavan to M A DHAAWAN.
What does a Malayalee do to stand for elections in New York?
- He changes his name. Karunakaran to KEVIIN CURREN
What would you call a Mallu martial arts expert?
- A MalayaLEE
Why does a Malayalee go to a temple?
- Zimply to Bray.
How does a baby mallu cry?
- "visa visa visa visa . . ."
Why did the Malayalee buy an air ticket?
- To go to DUBAIH ..simbly to meet his UNGGLE and AUNDY in GELF.
who was Bruce Lee's best friend in Malayasia?
- Malaya LEE
How does a malayalee spell Malayalam?
- YAMM - YAY - YELL - YAY - WHY - YAY - YEELL -YUMM.
What did the Mallu scientist do on reaching the moon?
- He tested the soil if it was fit to plannt tapioca.
Why do Mallus wear Mundu?
- Because in the Monsoon flood the mundu ccan be tucked upwards as the
water rises.
Q: What happens when a bakery in Kerala is named after a gerrl called Anu?
- Its named 'Anus Bakery'.
Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala?
- Because 86% of the shift time is spent oon lifting, folding and re-tying
the lungi.
What is the tax on Mallu's income called?
- IngumDax
What is Malayali management graduate called?
- A Yem Bee Yae.

The classic one - How many bulbs?
How many Malayalees do you need to change a lightbulb?
Infinite number.. One to change the bulb, 20 to form the light bulb
workers' union (Marxist), 30 to form the counter union (CPI), 1 to be the Light
bulb minister, 1 to head the Light bulb corporation, 45 to be nominated to
the light bulb corporation, 60 to go to US,Germany, Switzerland and Hawaii
to do import product survey on light bulb, 3 to form the Judicial Enquiry
commission on light bulb scandal.... so on.... (BTW, Kerala Marxists
anyway believe that you don't have to change light bulbs.. A light bulb has
seeds of its own revolution....)
You know you are a Malayalee when..
1.You have rocks, sticks, leaves and strange-smelling, unknown substances
in your pantry for use as medicine or in your dinner.
2.You don't cook rice in a rice cooker. You do it the old-fashioned way :
water, a big pot, and fire.
3.You buy corn oil by the gallon.
4.Your family owns butcher knives bigger than your head.
5.Uncle Ben's takes over the household.
6.Lipton Tea is bought by the bulk, (especially when there is a sale for
it.)
7.You get nothing if you do well in school, but crapped on if you don't.
8.The furniture in your house never matches the wallpaper, the carpet, the
decorations or any of the rest of the furniture.
9.Your brothers and sisters names rhymes or have the some letter to start
with as yours.
10.MacDonald's is prounounced MAC-DOUGH-NALLS.
11.Your father and mother endlessly tell you stories of how when they
first came into this country, they had to eat the cheapest parts of the
chicken (eg. the back, necks, etc.)
12.During evening prayer, your Grandmother let's out a wailing belch. (If
you could hear it, you know what I am talking about.)
13.You go to FOKANA / youth / spiritual conferences to pick-up chicks /
dudes.
14.You have to explain to everyone, "That funny name is my father's house
name."
15.Your parents tell you about how long it took for them to get to school,
how horrible the weather was in their native country, and how much they
still appreciated going.
16.Your parents buy you clothes and shoes many sizes too big so you can
"grow into it" and wear it for years to come."
17.You are teased about having two first names or else that your first
name should be your last and vice versa.
18.Your mom is a nurse or she works somewhere in a hospital.
19.Your aunts and uncles bring you back adorable clothing from India with
fuzzy bunnies, vinyl ducks and English words that make no sense in great
colors like yellow, pink, magenta, orange and the ever popular lime green.
20.You either really, really want to go to NYU or really, really want to
stay away from it.
21."You want a stereo!" When I was your age, I didn't even have shoes!!"
22.You have to call just about all your parent's friends "Auntie and
Uncle."
23.You have 12+ aunts and uncles from both your mother's and your father's
side.
24. At expensive restaurants, you order a delicious glass of water for
your beverage and NEVER order dessert.
25.Your parents simply cut the green/black part off the bread and say "Eat
it anyway. It's still good."
26.You will most likely be taller than your parents.
27.Your parents have either made you play the piano, the violin or both.
28.Your mother constantly professes, "I am not gossiping on the phone. It
is important conversation..."
29.Your American friends names suddenly turn into Malayalam names. (eg.
Manay, Dhaveed (David) is on the phone for you.)
30.When your friends find out about the name your parents call you at
home, you never hear the end of it from them.
31.On long road trips, Mohamad Rafi or devotional songs make the time fly
by.
32.Your parents still tried to get you into places half-price saying you
were 12 when you were really 15.
33.You have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry.
34.Your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends' kids.
35.You've had to sit through videos with scantily clad, ugly Asian women
attempting to dance and walk around a temple, forest or library.
36.You have to hide the fact that you have a boyfriend/girlfriend.
37.Everybody assumes you are Hindu or Muslim, because you are Indian but
you stand up strong and say, "I am Christian."
38.Everybody assumes you are Christian, because you are Malayalee, but you
stand up strong and say, "I am Hindu" or "I am Muslim".
39.You page yourself before you go out, so you look important.
40. At all the Indian parties, you and the Punjabis are the life of it..
41.You have heard of Malayalee Hit Squad, and you pretend you know someone
in it everytime someone mentions it.
42.You say that you are in Malayalee Hit Squad to impress girls.
43.You act like you can dance Bhanghra styles.
44.Your North Indian friends mention a Hindi movie, you say that the Tamil
or Malayalam version was the original one and that it was better.
46.Piles of shoes tend to make it hard to open the front, back and closet
doors.
47.Your father and grandfathers have hair on their ears.
48.Idiot people try to impress you with pathetic imitation Asian
languages.
49.Your ancestors 1000 generations back invented the back scratcher.

50.You are in an Engineering/Computer Science/Pre-Med/Med/Law program at
your respective college.
51.If somebody asks you if you know a Malayalee person, your parents say,
"His/Her father/mother was in my college." or else "Yes, We are from
the same village."
52.You leave for college hating sambar, chicken curry, morra, and chor,
but you come back home yearning for it.
53.You get angry about being compared to your other Mallu friends.
54."Patti", "Thendi" and "Potten" are commonly used expressions of insult.
55.You create a name for IRC or AOL chat rooms it's always some name like
"Thenga", "Pichati", "Ethikya" or things to that degree.
56.You leave it to your parents to find your spouse.
57.You pretend that you are not a Mallu at all.
58.Your Dad teaches you all the bad words in Malayalam, and your mom gets
mad at him for that.
59.People ask you why your dad wears only a towel to pick up the newspaper
or the mail.
60.You have a jungle growing in the backyard every summer, with pavikya,
padavalingya, etc. growing and all your friends ask you why it stinks in
the back yard.
61.(For females) You're parents would freak out if you wore a crop top
baring your midriff but wearing a sari is perfectly acceptable.
62.(For females) Your brother had no curfew while you had to be home at
11pm.
63.You are ALWAYS taking off and putting on your shoes wherever you go.
64.Tongue scrapers are not a new fad to you.
65.To your American friends, oil is used purely for cooking and not as a
grooming aid.
66.When your American friends cringe at the thought of their parents in
bed, you wonder how odd it would be to see your parents get within one foot
of each other.
67.Your parents hover over your tired, caffeine-drugged body at 12
midnight to say, "In India (or other native country), we studied even more."
68.Your parents expect you'll be best friends with any one off the street
unless they're close by.
69.Your parents say, "Calculus? I took calculus in 8th grade!!"
70.You like $1.75 movies.
71.You like $1.50 movies even more.
72.Your parents have nicknames but only because people they work with just
stop when trying to read their names.
73.People you call "uncle" always smell up the bathroom at parties.
74.If you aren't married and you turn 25, your parents start wringing
their hands and proclaim that it's too late.
75.You have never met half of your extended family.
76.Your mother measures wealth in gold and diamonds.
77.A horoscope must decide your wedding date.
78.Your parents drink 6 cups of tea a day.
79.Your parents had eight daughters in hopes of having a son.
80.You are sick and tired of answering questions about "the dot."
81.Your friends could not explain your religion to someone if they tried.
82.You could not explain your religion to someone if you tried.
83.You sound like "Apu" on the Simpsons.
84.You own a 7/11 or a motel with a name like "Roadside Inn."
85.One or both of your parents skipped at least one year of elementary
school.
86.In the smallest of subcompact cars, you still can't see over the wheel
without a phone book. WITH the phone book, you can't reach the pedals.
87.You have cousins you have never met, whose names you don't know, but
who insist they're related to you, even though they bear NO resemblance to
anyone YOU know.
88.Your parents push the concept of an arranged marriage on you and try
and demonstrate how well it works whenever they're not fighting.
89.You have trouble paying attention to "minor" items like your kids'
social lives, but you know the exact number of the check that you're on in
your checkbook.
Appukuttan's fundamendals! Contributed by Arvind Krishnan
Despite the fact that Appukuttan was an Yem.Bee.Yae (MBA) from the
University of Yale, Smith found it difficult to comprehend his intentions.
Especially when he derided the government saying 'Gonments should be serious
about imblemending the promises and providing the fundamendal needs of the
people'!
Then there was Chandrasekharan Nair, the accountant, who spoke in such
loud tones that it made Mr. Smith and even Appukuttan 'Jemb out of their
Skin'! He made sure that everyone in the office paid their 'ingum dax'. His
problem was that he perpetually wanted to leave 'yearly' for home as he had
to go to the 'temble' with his family. His preferred mode of conveyance
was ofcourse, 'O-to'.
Mr. Smith also could not take kindly to some of his colleagues like
Cheriyakalathil Saji Titus who came up with such gems: "I have two daughters...
both are both girls"! He's the same guy who insisted that in 2002, he was
losing out on one holiday as Good Friday was falling on a Second
Saturday!!!
Then there was Ibrahim Kutty who sought a month's leave from work because
he 'zimbly wanted to go to the 'Gelf' in order to meet his 'Ungle and
Aund'. Kutty, who was the supervisor also insisted in a prominently displayed
notice that "After the Tea 'Brake' all staff should empty the teapot and
stand it upside down on the draining board."
However, what got Smith's goat is the notice put up by Appukuttan himself,
though it was his 'pyoon' who did it. A freshly painted board outside his
new office complex building proclaimed that "The Building is Closed Till
Further Opening." A smaller notice on the escalator claimed that "The Lift
is Out of Order. We regret that you will be unbearable for a few days."
Smith, however, shared several common interests with the suave Appukuttan
who liked 'Pope' Music and was an ardent critic of declining standards in
'Kollage' education. He had this amazing ability to poke fun at his own
tribe and had a great collection of mallu jokes, which he tried on Smith.
The last straw came from Appukuttan himself. One day, he ran in and sought
to know from Mr. Smith how the renowned musician L. Vaidyanathan was
different from Gandhiji? Seeing the blank statement on his colleague's face,
Appu burst out gleefully: "Zimble! One is a violinist and the other a
non-violinist." And Smith fainted!

Is Bruce Lee a Malaya Lee? Contributed by my friend Maya Lakshman
What is Bruce Lee's favorite weapon?
----- Kodaa Lee
According to Bruce Lee, which is the Venomous snake?
----- Ana Lee
Place where Bruce Lee stays when he is in Kerala
----- Adima Lee
Bruce Lee's Favorite Malayalam Channel
----- Kaira Lee
Bruce Lee favorite vegitable?
----- Thakkaa Lee
What sound does Bruce Lee make when some one hits him?
----- Nilavi Lee
What is Bruce Lee's pet
------ Chunde Lee
What kind of water does Bruce Lee prefer with his lunch?
------ Karingaa Lee
What is Bruce Lee's Girl Friend's name?
------ Anaarka Lee
What is Bruce Lee's nick name?
------ Neeraa Lee
While in kerala he likes to be known
------ Malaya Lee


English - Malayalam translation
Once a principal caught a student outside the class
Pincipal:WHY Are u Rotating here,GO and Climb the class.
What he intended to say: Enthanu ivide thirinju kalikunathu Poyi classil
kayaru.

Mallu and a Tamilian - direction joke
Once a crowd witnessed a guy slapping a mallu guy on Madurai-Palani road.
The guy who beat the mallu explained the crowd why he beat him as:
"When I asked directions to go to Palani, he is asking me to go to Tiruchi
and Eerode(Coimbatore".
The Mallu's direction instruction was- "Eerodu poyee thiruchi vanna
Palani" (Take this road and turn u will reach Palani)

Mallu and Kallu (toddy)
To meet an Englishman you should go to his castle, to meet a Mallu you
should go to his (regular)kaLLu shaap(toddy bar)!
What can be done to put a Mallu to dilemma ? Offer him fish curry and
kaLLu (toddy) and ask him to choose only one of them.
What are 3 main objectives of a Mallu?
1. kozhi(chicken)
2. pannam(money)
3. kallu(liquor)

Sad but true
Where is the only place in the world where a Malayalee doesn't work hard?
- Keralam (Kerala)
Mallus are first Contributed by Harshavardhan Bhide
Mallus have been and are among India's most widely spread community. If
anyone needs proof then all they need do is look into NASA archives. As Neil
Armstrong was about to say "One small step...", a Kaka came out of his
shaap, and called his boy.. "Yada.. randu chaaya.". So much so for Armstrong
being the first man on the moon. Mallus were there first!

Birth Contributed by Ajay Pillai
Q. What do you call the birth of a mallu?
A. Mal(l)-formation

Pazham Chollu a.k.a Banana Talk Contributed by Prem Kumar
Whitening applied becomes white scars.
(Velukkan thechathu pandayi)
When talking, hear. When given, eat.
(Paraymbol kelkkanam.tharumbol thinnanam)
Give elephant, but not hope.
(Aana koduthalum aasha kodukaruthu)
If Crow bath, become crane ??
(Kaaka kulichal kokku aagumo??)
If needed jackfruit on root grow.
(Venamengil chakka verilum kaayikkum)
Snake on fence on shoulder no put.
(Veliyil kidanna paambine eduthu tholil idaruthu)
Onam come or Baby born, porridge for KORAN still in leaf.
(Onam vannaalum Unni pirannaalum, Koranu Kanji Kumbilil thanne)
Own baby, for crow, golden baby.
(Kaakkakku Than Kunju Ponkunju)
Market fail Mother's back.
(Angaadiyil thottathinu Ammayude purathu)
Silent Cat Breaks Pot.
(Mindaa Poocha Kalam Udakkum)
Sand leaning man took girl.
(Mannum Chaari Ninnavan Pennum Kondupoyi)
Centipede if put on mattress goes to garbage.
(Attaye pidichu Methayil Kidathiyaalum Athu pokum Kuppa kuzhiyil)
Miser hold umbrella at midnight.
(Alpan Ardha Raathriyilum koda Pidikkum)
Foot wrong elephant will also fall.
(Adi thettiyaal aaneyum veezhum)
Friend of Eeenaampechi is TreeDog.
(Eeenaampechi-kku kootu marapatti)
In desert one Tree green.
(Marubhumiyil oru marupacha)
Sitting to moan, dog's head, coconut fell.
(Moangan irunna naayudey thalayil thenga veenu)
Different drop big water.
(Palathulli peruvellam)
Life licked by stray dog.
(Jeevitham nayanakki)
Crane, how many ponds see??
(Kokkethra kulam kandirikkunnu)
Don't want, don't want thinking, climbing on the head & jumping.
(Venda,venda ennu vicharikkumbo thalayil keri chaadunnu)
Stick gave, beating got.
(Vadi koduthu adi vaangi
Open the window, let the airforce come in.
(Janala thurakkoo, kaatu shakthi aayi varrattae)
No Grass will walk here.
(Evidae Oru pullum nadakkilla)
Dont spit, understanding people will suffer.
(thupparuthu , thaazhae nikkunnavar anubhavikkum)
Both are Hand and Arithmetic.
(Randum kayyum kanakkum thannae)


What is Contributed by Radhakrishnan
the malayalam version of "Maine Pyar Kiya " called?
A. "Menon Pyar Kiya"
Mallu and a cowboy Contributed by Polite Paul
Once a cowboy and a mallu pick up a quarrel. The cowboy points a gun at
the mallu and says "Yo man.yore ded meat...kiss yore ass bye". Mallu replys
- "What rubbish you are toking(talking)....if you vant to fiyt(fight) vith
me you zimbly come to my gariage(garage) no...i will hit on your head with
a hyammer...and also i think you dond hyave the bolls to pull the
trigger..." That was it, the cowboy had enough. He pulled the trigger but to his
own head....

Mallu and space exploration Contributed by Ajay
Mallus have been and are among India's most widely spread community. If
anyone needs proof then all they need do is look into NASA archives. As Neil
Armstrong was about to say "One small step...", a Kaka came out of his
shaap, and called his boy.. "Yada.. randu chaaya.". So much so for Armstrong
being the first man on the moon. Mallus were there first!
Recently a indian went to moon and he expected to find that mallu tea
shap, but he found a sardar instead, when enquired, he was told that the mallu

1. In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

2. In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

3. In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

4. In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

5. In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

6. In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.

7. In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

8. In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

9. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

10. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

11. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

12. On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

13. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

14. In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

15. Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

16. In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

17. From the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 SovietRepublic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

18. In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

19. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

20. In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

21. In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

22. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

23. In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream. (kein Eis?)

24. In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

25. In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

26. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

27. On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

28. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

29. In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

30. In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

31. In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

32. In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

33. In a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

34. In a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

35. Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.

36. On a Malaga freeway:
Locals for sale or rent. (thanks to O.B.)

37. In a hotel in Bruges:
Bathroom light operates with motion sensor. Turns off approx. 15 minutes after last registered motion. (thanks to O.P.)

CRICKET : Gol guttam lakad battam de danadan pratiyogita

CRICKET TEST MATCH : Pakad dandu, maar mandu, de danaadan pratiyogita

TABLE TENNIS : Lakdi ke phalak shetra pe le takaatak de takaatak

LAWN TENNIS : Harit Ghaas par le tada tad, de tada tad

LIGHT BULB : Vidyut Prakashak Kanch golak

TIE : Kanth Langoti....(best one)

MATCH BOX : Ragdampatti Agni Utpaadan Peti

TRAFFIC SIGNAL : Aavat Jaavat Suchak Jhandaa

TEA : Dugdh Jal Mishrit Sharkara Yukt Parvatiya(pahaadi) Booti

TRAIN : Sahasra Chakra Louh Path Gaamini

ALL ROUTE PASS : Yatr Tatr Sarvatr Gaman Aagya Patr

RAILWAY SIGNAL : Loh Path Gamini Suchak Yantra

RAILWAY SIGNAL : Agni Rath Aava Gaman Soochak Pattika

RAILWAY SIGNAL : Louh path gaamini aawagaman suchak yantra

RAILWAY STATION : Bhabhka Adda

BUTTON : Ast Vyast Vastra Niyantrak

MOSQUITO : Gunjanhaari Manav Rakt Pipasu Jeev

CIGERETTE : Shwet patra mandit dhumra shalakha